she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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