just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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