Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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