The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
