So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
