My nipple is on Facebook.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
