Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
where are my pants?
in the oven.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
