counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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