Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
