I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
