a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
