I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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