I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
