what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
