I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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