Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
