She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
