there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
