All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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