My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
