You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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