If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I want a musical about memes.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
