You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
