obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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