dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
