She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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