ya dads aren't the best wingmen
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
