My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
