We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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