I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
