I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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