everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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