You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
