Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
