I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
