Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
