I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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