i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
