just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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