Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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