It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Randomize
