Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
