I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
