Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she looked like the before picture.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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