If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
