He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
