I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
