Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
