I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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