You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We just shotgunned beers for America
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
