smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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